So, you may have started reading this because you are hurt. You feel as if someone stabbed you in the back. It is possible that you feel anguish or anger toward the person or group of people who are hurting you. The truth of the matter is that we’ve all been there, including me.
I’ve been hurt by people talking about me behind my back or even betraying me for something I did not do. Whether it is that fake friend from high school or the cliquey co-workers that you surround yourself with, there are always going to be wicked and selfish people around this world. It’s sad, but that is the reality.
When we have bitterness, we are experiencing a deep-seated, unresolved resentment that takes root in the heart when we have been hurt, wronged, or disappointed and that pain is held onto rather than released. It’s an emotional and spiritual response to injustice, betrayal, or unmet expectations, and it often grows when forgiveness is withheld.
Here’s the central truth: forgiveness leads to freedom! When we are forgiving towards someone, we let out a sigh of relief and our weight is lifted off our shoulders. However, if you are stuck in that bitterness, it keeps us in bondage and leads us to a feeling of regret later in life.
If you are feeling this conviction right now, then you’ve come to the right place. Let’s take a deep dive into what bitterness looks like and how to have a forgiving spirit over a bitter heart.
“Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God: lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled” – Hebrews 12:15 (KJV)
What Bitterness Does To The Heart
Bitterness feels like an emotional, spiritual, and physical toll on us. It may seem quiet at first until we feel this constant ache in our heart. Bitterness can affect us in three ways:
1) Emotionally
Bitterness is frequently expressed with irritation or anger whenever something comes up that remind you of a certain person or offense. Often times, we can feel a sense of resentment when we are experiencing the hurt and pain that is caused by other people. It then leads us to perceive a feeling of injustice when someone has evaded accountability through situations involving miscommunication or when others make assumptions about us instead of seeking clarification directly.
This cycle of bitterness can dominate one’s thoughts and deplete energy, hindering progress and preventing the attainment of peace. When certain triggers arise, the pain is replayed repeatedly as it can hinder the ability for us to let go and can potentially lead to anxiety and depression. That said, bitterness can cause us to be in a negative cycle that harms mental and emotional health.
2) Physically
Harboring bitterness can negatively impact our physical well-being. When emotional strain becomes ingrained, it manifests physically as tension, often felt as tightness in the chest, jaw, or shoulders, as though we are burdened by its weight.
Bitterness can actually increase stress since it causes us to replay the offense that caused us pain. The stress signals our bodies to stay on high alert, releasing stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, which can cause insomnia, headaches, digestive issues, and high blood pressure. Holding onto bitterness can actually be exhausting. The emotional heaviness can drain your physical energy, leaving you feeling tired and worn out even if you haven’t done anything physical.
Finally, bitterness can weaken your immune system which makes us more vulnerable to chronic illness. Research indicates a connection between unforgiveness and emotional stress, leading to a weakened immune system. This reduced immune function leaves the body more susceptible to chronic illnesses, infections, and prolonged healing times. Not only does bitterness weaken your immune system, but it can go as far to an increased risk of heart disease.
3) Spiritually
Bitterness doesn’t just damage our mental and physical health, it affects our relationship with God. Bitterness steals the joy that we have and replaces it with internal unrest causing us to have a lack of peace with the Lord. This shows how bitterness can make room for the enemy. The devil loves to play mind tricks on us as he puts lies into our heads and can go as far into planting the thought of division, revenge, and deeper strongholds into our hearts.
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil” – Ephesians 4:26-27 (KJV)
As bitterness makes room for the devil, it blocks our fellowship with God causing us to feel distant from Him and His word. When we cling onto resentment, we are closing off part of our heart to Him. Holding onto unforgiveness grieves the Holy Spirit as it can interfere with prayer, reading the Bible, or even feeling God’s presence.
“But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your your trespasses” – Matthew 6:15 (KJV)
What Forgiveness Truly Is Vs. Isn’t
Let’s make this clear. Forgiveness IS NOT:
1)Excusing the offense
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean to say “It’s Okay” or “It wasn’t that bad”. It acknowledges the real hurt and still choosing to release it. Jesus forgave the cross, but didn’t minimize the sin as He carried the full weight of sin.
2) Bringing Up The Past
The Bible never commanded us to “Forgive and forget”. However, forgiving someone doesn’t mean bringing up the past as a weapon. To be clear, forgiving doesn’t mean pretending the hurt never happened. If you forgive someone, but you still hold a grudge towards that person for what they did in the past, unfortunately you are still bitter.
So what does true forgiveness look like? Well first of all, forgiveness is not only a command from God, but it is a decision to release someone from the debt that they owe you, just like how Jesus Christ release you.
Upon believing and having faith in the blood of Jesus Christ shed on the cross, ALL of our sins are forgiven and we are washed, cleansed, and sanctified. As a result of confessing our sins to the Lord, He forgives us, choosing not to hold those sins against us as a way of showing grace.
To summarize, we are called as God’s children to forgive those with grace just like how Jesus forgave our sins.
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” – Ephesians 4:31-32 (KJV)
The Freedom Forgiveness Brings
Forgiveness isn’t just about forgiving the other person. It’s about forgiving yourself and setting yourself free. When we forgive someone, we break the chains that keep us connected to the pain that we felt from that person. We feel this weight lifted off our shoulders as the burden of bitterness is released allowing God to bring joy, peace, and emotional healing to grow.
“Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be non entangled again with the yoke of bondage” – Galatians 5:1 (KJV)
Forgiveness opens up a deeper intimate relationship with God. It aligns our hearts with Christ who yet still chose to forgive us while were still in sin. When we forgive other people, we are inviting the peace and presence of God into our hearts in a powerful way.
The act of forgiveness can restore relationships as it brings you and the other person peace to move forward. However, It’s important to remember that forgiving someone who has hurt or wronged you may require establishing healthy boundaries.You can still forgive that person without restoring the relationship, but it doesn’t mean that you should accept the unhealthy or destructive behavior they caused.
Set clear boundaries by going to the Lord in prayer and asking for wisdom and discernment for what needs to be changed in order to have a stable and safe relationship. Examples of these include:
“I forgive you, but I won’t allow any disrespectful speech anymore”
“I forgive you, but I do need time to heal while I continue to pray for you”
“I forgive you, however I do want to be honest with each other”
By the way, it is OKAY if you have to cut them out of your life especially if they have been toxic or abusive towards you. Boundaries are not rejection, they are for protection. After all, The Bible clearly states that we shouldn’t be surrounding ourselves with those who live in darkness.
“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” – 2 Corinthians 6:14 (KJV)
How to Be Forgiving When It Is Hard
Now I get it, it can be hard for you to forgive someone especially for all the pain that they caused you. However, it all worth it at the end for all parties that are involved. Here are some tips on how to have a forgiving spirit and overcome bitterness.
1) Acknowledge The Pain Honestly
Now, I know that you are hurting. Don’t try to put on a fake smile like nothing happened; it’s essential to acknowledge the reality of your feelings. Forgiveness isn’t denial; it’s a courageous step toward healing. It is completely okay to express the pain that you are feeling, to articulate your hurt rather than suppress it.
Bring your pain before God, for He knows the depth of the suffering that you are going through and holds you in your darkest moments. Remember that naming the first wound is the first step of healing; it allows you to confront the hurt rather than bury it.
“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit” – Psalm 34:18 (KJV)
2) Remember How Much You’ve Been Forgiven
We forgive not because the person deserves it. We forgive because we don’t deserve it. Remember the reason why God the Father brought Jesus Christ, His only begotten Son unto this world. Jesus was sent onto the cross at Calvary to pay off the penalty for ALL of our sins! Jesus felt the emotional and physical pain of the cross, but He shed His blood anyways for us. When we look unto what Jesus had done for us, we look at the cross.
Looking to the cross to remind yourself that you are not alone. Recognize the fact how much Jesus forgave ALL of your sins. If Jesus forgives, then you should be like Jesus and forgive other people.
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye” – Colossians 3:13 (KJV)
3) Pray For Strength to Forgive
Don’t feel like you are being forced to forgive. You don’t have to feel ready to forgive. Forgiveness starts with a choice and not a feeling.
If you are feeling this sense of guilt as you are experiencing bitterness in your heart, that is normal. The longer we keep that bitterness, the more guilty and regret we are going to feel later in life. Ask God to help you to want to forgive and work your heart overtime, allowing His love and wisdom to guide you in releasing that bitterness. Remember, healing is a process and it often requires patience, so be gentle with yourself as you navigate through these complex emotions.
4) Release the Offender
Once again, forgiveness does NOT mean to make excuses. It means to let go of your desire for revenge and repayment, recognizing that holding on to anger only harms yourself. Don’t let the devil tempt you into seeking payback or hurting the other person, as such actions often lead to a cycle of pain and resentment.
Instead, embrace the healing power of forgiveness, which allows you to release negative emotions and foster inner peace. God is the ultimate judge, and we should place our trust in Him, knowing that He is in control of all things, guiding us towards a better path where love and understanding can flourish. Remember, true forgiveness is a gift that liberates both the forgiver and the forgiven, offering a chance for healing and personal growth.
“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” – Romans 12:19 (KJV)
5) Bless Instead of Curse
Consider this: Jesus would never inflict harm or issue threats. He wouldn’t seek revenge on His enemies, snare at them menacingly, or go beyond by suing or taking them to court. Instead, Jesus told His disciples to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. He emphasized forgiveness and compassion, urging us to turn the other cheek and show kindness even to those who wrong us.
“But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you” – Luke 6:27-28 (KJV)
Ask God to help you speak or think blessing over your enemies. It softens the heart the more you pray for your enemies and the less bitter you will feel.
6) Keep Forgiving
In case you didn’t know, forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing. There are going to be times where some wounds will take time to heal and you are going to have to forgive again and again. Now that doesn’t mean that it is working. It means that healing is still happening.
In the Gospel of Matthew, Peter questioned Jesus about the extent of forgiveness, asking how many times he should forgive a brother who sinned against him. Jesus replied, “up to seventy times seven times,” emphasizing the limitless nature of forgiveness. There should be no excuse to stop forgiving someone. Keep forgiving in order for you to start healing.
“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Unitl seven times: but, Until seventy times seven” – Matthew 18:21-22 (KJV)
7) Surround Yourself With a Grace-Filled Community
As I previously mentioned, you are not alone during this healing process. There are people who can help you walk through the hard parts of forgiveness. We are meant to surround ourselves with Christian fellowship to lift up our brothers and sisters in Christ, no matter what they are facing. To overcome bitterness and cultivate a forgiving spirit, seek guidance from trusted individuals. This could be a pastor, counselor, parents, or another Christian who can offer wise counsel throughout this healing process.
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety” – Proverbs 11:14 (KJV)
Conclusion
Holding on bitterness for so long can hold us back. This bitterness often breeds unforgiveness, potentially resulting in future feelings of guilt and regret. While forgiveness may seem challenging, it ultimately offers a path toward healing, inner peace, and liberation.
Choosing to forgive doesn’t mean the hurt didn’t happen. It means you’re no longer giving it the power to define your heart, your relationships, or your future. Forgiveness is not about excusing the wrong, but about trusting the Righteous Judge to make things right.
Jesus forgave us at our worst when He laid down His life for us on the cross—fully, freely, and without conditions. And through His strength, we can do the same. When we forgive, we’re not only obeying Him—we’re becoming more like Him.
So my friend, Don’t wait for the feelings to catch up. Don’t wait for the apology that may never come. Today, you can choose freedom. You can choose healing. You can choose to forgive—not because they deserve it, but because Jesus forgave you.
Ask God to help you release the weight you’ve been carrying. Speak their name. Surrender the pain. Invite the Holy Spirit to begin the healing work in your heart.
Forgiveness may not change what happened—but it will change what happens next.
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